Hello! Welcome to 2020. I know it’s a bit late, but I didn’t really have anything to say earlier in the month!
I’ve been doing some very intensive “personal development” lately and today I cracked! I went to a workshop for Overcoming Self Doubt and Building Confidence and, while I did get a lot out of it, I also realised that I am perpetuating my “condition” by going to these kinds of events!
I wasn’t diagnosed with anxiety and low mood until August 2018! And the more I do to actively face and overcome my anxiety, the more I see myself as a person with anxiety, and it’s not really conducive to becoming the strong person I really want to be!
I guess the reason I cracked today is because I have forgotten to take my meds 2 days in a row. In the 17 months, I’ve never forgotten to take my meds! It’s a positive sign that I’ve done it now – a sign that I’m not really thinking about my mental health condition. But the response my body had was quite unsettling! I was on the train back from Brighton and started feeling dizzy and sick. Mother dearest came to meet me at the station, and she fed and watered me when I got home, and I’ve had my meds and I tried to sleep, but I feel wired. So I’m typing away while half listening to the Tony Robbins podcast.
So this is a “live” train of consciousness. Unedited. Apologies in advance!
I’ve decided to opt out of suffering from anxiety.
Yes, I’m still on Sertraline. But what if I start thinking of it as a well-being and confidence supplement rather than an anxiety suppressant? I do not suffer from anxiety and low mood. I take my half-pill each day to boost my mood, not to alleviate my old symptoms (shakes, panic attacks, anxious flare ups).
I really want to be my most brilliant self…
One of the podcasts I’ve listened to tonight was about disability and how people who face disabilities later in life (as in, people who were not born with a disability) can tend to become whatever their stereotype of a disabled person may be.
When I first got prescribed, my big sis (in all her infinite wisdom <3) warned me not to let my anxiety define me. I’ve come leaps and bounds since then and I know that I’ve at times identified with other Sertraline-users and let their stories become my own, but less and less so. I do not let other people’s drama or misfortunes amplify my own. We all need to fight our own inner battles. Of course I support my friends as much as I can, but I do not let my feelings mirror theirs. I strive to promote positive thinking no matter how bad things get for them.
I’m opting out of limiting beliefs!
I want to be the 20-something go-getter who springs out of bed at 7.30 every morning, puts on one of her many pretty dresses, has a healthy breakfast and a DECAF COFFEE (why oh why am I trying to go back to “full-caf”?), and hits the ground running each day with her work.
Today I found a potential new stockist and I know that I can create some stunning sample products and get my products back into a bricks-and-mortar shop if I let myself believe that I’m a successful, talented designer! And that EXCITES me!
As for other areas of my life… Namely – my love life. I’m tired of self doubt and pushing the good ones away with my insecurities and need for reassurance. Screw that. I’m nearly 30 and I’m ready to accept that I deserve the man of my dreams. I’m ready to realise that I really really do deserve to be treated like a princess, and that just because someone tells me my standards are too high and that real life isn’t a Disney Princess movie, it doesn’t mean I should lower my standards! You get what you tolerate!
I need to get back into bed now. I’m feeling unwell again… Fun! But tomorrow I will feel fine! I will get up, put on the pretty dress and make the pretty knickers.
Goodnight my dears x