2018 has been the best and worst year of my life so far. I’m writing this from beneath a fluffy blanket on New Year’s Eve, sat in the front room with my parents and grandparents who are bickering amongst themselves over goodness knows what.
I was quite alright sat in my bedroom away from home, listening to my music and doing my finances. It’s the first year I’ve not spent with friends in a decade and I would quite happily treat it as an ordinary evening.
But here we are, so I’m blogging from my lovely new iPad courtesy of my favourite person.
The year started with an entire month of illness. I spent the majority of January between my bed and my desk. I had full on flu followed swiftly by a chest infection. Thankfully you guys, my loving clients, were very understanding of the delay in getting orders out. They all made it in the end!
February and March were an emotional blur. Too many things going on around then, and my Papa John’s never arrived on Valentine’s Day. But I did have a bit of a personal victory the next day. It’s sad that I can’t share some of my happiest times with the world. It was a sunny day and an email I’d sent restored a little bit of justice to the world and a little bit of power to me!
April was difficult. Really difficult. My mental health deteriorated and I returned to some old habits, as well as forming some terrible new ones. Work was difficult. I was back at Montezuma’s on a zero hour contract after being asked back twice. But it wasn’t easy juggling 2 jobs and a business and all my other responsibilities and commitments.
I don’t remember much from May and June. I think things calmed down a little and I got a cute haircut. I had a lovely trip to see my sister in Thirsk.
In June and July, I took a bit of a break from Montezuma’s after getting an abnormal result on my routine cervical screening. I went for a colposcopy which was my worst nightmare. I cried and panicked loads the day before and even more the day after. My results came back ok for now but it was a terrifying experience.
August was ridiculous.
I wasn’t doing well enough at Montezuma’s and it was causing my anxiety to spike. I had a break down. I quickly got myself seen to by my GP and have been on Sertraline since September. It had a massive impact on my mood, my ability to care for myself, my rational thinking and my productivity! If there’s a god, then this stuff is a god send. I’m so happy that my mental health services in Brighton are so good.
Oh, and by this point, after the initial chat with my GP, I decided to leave both of my part time jobs to pursue my dreams full time. I needed to be doing more of what I love and more of what empowers and motivates me.
October was another blur but I saw a fair bit of my niece and nephew and felt a lot more emotionally available to my family and friends.
By the time we got to November it was full steam ahead until Christmas. This year has been the busiest and most exciting so far! And I’ve had a lovely time celebrating with loved ones.
So there has been a lot of good but also a f*ck load of bad this year.
But I’ve decided that my New Year’s Resolution for 2019 is to stop looking at the worst case scenario and start looking at the best case scenario! I need to battle my negative thinking and challenge my inner critic. I’m not going to be defined by my anxiety, but I will have compassion for myself when it strikes and learn to slow down, which is just what my grandparents are probing me to do right now.
I hope this makes sense and there aren’t too many typos! And I hope you all have a beautiful 2019!